confession

okay, ive never said this before!
ive finally found courage to type these all out.
it may be nothing, but its a very very great thing in my life!

ITS VERY WORDY.
so, if you dont wna read, dont read.
but if you wna read, please read till the end!

so here goes..

i intend to be a musician in future (:
be it a pianist, composer, artiste, or whatever.
i intend to work in a field where there's music.
cause, only in music, i find myself.
i feel that i have a belonging in music! where there is music, there is me.
maybe its because i love it, so im willing to work hard in it and learn.
and i get regconition in my improvements,
i get praises, i get attention in a good way, i get to express, and sometimes, impress!

im not talented in music, im not born with it.
but instead, i worked for it! i really worked hard.
i could remember the times where i almost wanted to drop piano lessons!
those cannings by my mum, those tears we shared.
my family aint rich, paying for piano fees for me was a great chore and burden to my mum.
but she never complained, all she wanted was for me to do well.

though i didnt liked piano as much, im very grateful and glad that she've forced me when i was younger. if she hadnt, i wouldnt have finished my piano course! and i wouldnt be so musically inclined and involved. and mayb i wont go teenage icon, and i wont know my baby! haha.

but the point is, she made me learn till the very end.
and i really worked hard, i had my hard and difficult times.
i had thoughts of giving up, but i continued.
im not talented, but i worked hard.

in singing as well! i rmb when i was sec1, i always hear bihhong sing.
then i would sing along, and i clearly rmb that i went totally offtune everytime!
so embarrassing! i felt inferior to ppl who sings well when i was in secondary.
everyone around me sings!
sec1 got bihhong, sec2 got meishen, sec3 got dor, agnes, naz, and alot luh!

the first time i got into contact with 'real' music was when im in pri5.
energy came out (:
i loved them on the spot luh, their song, their dance, and finally their looks!
it attracted me so much!!!
i rmb everyone liked 5566 lor, but i liked energy!
then i rmb i rmb when i rap last time, madeline also got rap.
then veron say i rap nicer! I RMB LOR! mayb you dont, but I RMBB!!!
but at that time, i wasnt into singing YET.
was just rapping and singing for pleasure (:
i rmb i would sing over the phone to veron, RMB?
tht was my first contact with music!

i rmb the first talent time in our school.
national day 2004.
where th student contestants sang on stage.
thats the first time i got interaction with the stage!
(fyi, my primary doesnt have such nice things as talent time luh!)
and i rmb agnes singing "guan huai fang shi" which made everyone awed under the stage.
everyone clapped for her and kailing.
she had everyone's attention.
it was like, so nice.
that made me want to perform (:
that inspired me, seriously.

after, i tried singing on my own.
i didnt know how to start off or anything. i didnt have money to go learn!
i sang with my earphones stucked in my ears, which was a super bad way of singing!
i flated sharp notes and spoilt many ears.
even my mum would ask me to shut up when i sing, too harmful!
but i liked it, so what?
so i joined talent time with meishen in the second year.
but, we werent able to enter!
at that time, i was utterly depressed and disappointed.
i gave up on singing, totally!
i hated singing, i hated music, i hated the stage!
perhaps this' the reason why i have stagefright now.
i felt rejected, so sad!!!
and after being so rejected, i even took a further step to join CSS1!
i wanted to prove the sch's judges wrong! but actually, i was wrong myself.
i really didnt have the ability to sing at that time.
i was given a red light, i felt sad, more rejected.
that left a very very dark and deep impression in my heart.
i hated the stage! ppl stared at me, hearing me sing a piece of noise.
they stared, not because i sang well, but because it was too awful :(

i really hated everything at that time.
i felt at my lowest, imagine two falls in a row!
i know its zi zhao. but, yeah.

what made me liked music again, was junjie (:
junjie inspired me. he made me love music. he made me want to sing again!
he made me know that, there're different kinds of musics!
his music inspired me so deeply! thts why i love him so much!

and after climbing back this time, i even wrote songs!
i sing and write, to myself.
jinghui would often hear my songs and comment on it.
some nice ones were like 飞吧 & 对不起.
i rmb we went to th library, she recorded lor!
then i rmb got one part, i will always zx de! but now wont le!!! (:
then then then i wrote 2F's song!
the library trip was th first inspiration of 2F's song, slowly the song was created.
i rmb when th song was out, no one gave a bloodly hack about it.
only jh, jess, and a few cared about it.
but still, only jh & jess learnt it.

it was only till sec 3 when i chanced upon this opportunity to perform!
i rmb mrs yeo asked me to write a song about friendship for the song writing competition, cause she knew i wrote songs. i was a lil unwilling at first cause i didnt really want to have interaction with stages anymore. i dont want to fall again, i dont want to be rejected again.
i joined in th end. with jamie (:
jamie was the only green house singer i knew that sang well at that time!
she was willing to learn the song and to turn up for practice.
i rmb i wanted to write a new song, but i couldnt find th chords in time.
so i reused the 2F's song.
i made minus one and everything, but it turned out quite noob.
so i played the guitar and sang with jamie.
we werent confident in our performance, we felt tht red house was super cool!
they had a proper band, good singer, good guitarist, good drummer, good bass!
everything good. while we were duos, guitar plus voice.
so simple. but we won (:

seriously, i think its either by luck or the teachers helped us or whatever.
but that greatly boosted my confidence in music.
we were even asked to sing for the principal's farewell.
i wrote a song specially for him lor, since mr yap so nice to me.
and i played th GRAND PIANO and sang w jamie! (:
i was th first person to play on the grand piano lor, it was NEWW!
and, the band instructor even praised my song lor! MY SONG!

and what made me love performing more was tht, i joined TI07.
i joined, i sang! i got through (:
that made me so happy, its like a turning point in my music life!
my bro came down to support me, he supported me!
i bet he didnt know i could sing that well before that day!
it wasnt very well, but i improved quite a bit since my first time singing!
i felt so happy that i get regconized for my improvements,
i improve at my own pace, no stress.
the judges say i have a nice vocal but i dont mange it well, perhaps all would say this to encourage the contestants, but I WAS REALLY ENCOURAGED LUH!

and though jess and jh would call me shut up when i sing,
they encouraged me also! because of they're suaning, i improved.
i was more persevere to sing better.
they were really there for me when i needed them (:

and in sec4, i joined talenttime with naz! duet!
naz was a very very very great help.
he inspired me too! i rmb the "gei wo ni de ai" th bridge.
i always cant sing de, then he will sing and laugh at me cause i cant!
and i sounded so funny.
but he also taught me many stuff that i didnt know.
his singing was like, omg.
he would correct me if i sang badly, or anything!
that helped me greatly luh, really!
because of him, i know there're warmups for singings, techniques, etc!
these i never knew before, but now i know (:

i rmb we sang "lian ai ping lv".
the part "you wo *kan* bu jian de yi ge yuan fang"
the "kan" i always cant reach, cause its xu ying (note inbtwn forsetto&chest voice)
yes, my vocal range was like so so so bad in sec 4!
i cant sing any ahmei's song nor angela's without pushing down the key!

what made my vocal range widen so greatly?
idk!
seriously, idk.

and, my baby played a very great role in my singing (:
my baby sang greatly luh!
he was very nice too, he would send me songs he liked!
and i was pretty exposed to many many many diff style and types of songs.
like "ling wu", "xing bu liao qing", "wo xiang yao shuo", etc!
great thanks to him that i know of such nice songs!
the type of music i listen to gradually changed too! i used to listen to fixed singers!
like junjie and energy's only!
which made my vocal range like very low!
but now, i listen to ahmei's, old songs, new songs, fast songs, slow songs, etc!
and because of my relationship with baby, i learnt alot.
really alot, about love.
this made me able express myself in more songs! (:
sometimes when i sing, i feel that im experiencing such things gg on, i understand the lyrics, i sing the lyrics, i pour our my heart, and thats' when i express & impress!
my baby was there whenever i needed him.
he joined compt w me, singout, impressario, teenage icon.
and he was there when i got in and when i was out!
his shoulder was there for me to lie on, his arms was there for me to hug.
perhaps thats' th experience i had with him and not others that made me reliant on him.

this journey of music,
it've been sad, happy, joyful, disappointing, rejecting, surprising, and more.
its so extraordinary, reminiscent.
i found great friends, i learn to cherish more.
ppl like veron, jess, jh, junjie, naz, etc.
and of course, my baby.
these ppl, they were ppl who touched my life.
made me who i am in present.
i thank god for these ppl appearing in my life, its a lifetime's honour!

i never regretted those shameful moments in sec2.
where i was rejected, and awful.
because of these moments, i learnt more.

though im not very good now,
but i've definately improved and achieved more than before.
which made me want to move on.

i want to learn more.
more singing techniques, more musical instruments, more song writing skills! (:
but perhaps i've to wait till i work and earn that i'll have money to support myself in music.
i believe that one day, my parents would be proud of me.
that they would changed their mind about music jobs, because i'll prove to them!
even if i dont get to perform, i could still teach (;

and if i ever get to perform and get famous,
or if i become successful in life or earn lots or live well,
i'll make sure those teachers and ppl who once looked down on me regret!
its not revenge, its sweet revenge (:
i'll make them regret on giving up on me, looking down on me, being biased against me.
because, i learn from my failure and i would succeed one day!
these teachers who only love students that are their pets, they dont understand life.
NO LIFE OKAY!
not like me, my kind of life!


rahh~ finally typed finish (:
took super long time luh, perhaps some of you think some parts are too kuazhang,
but its really true! and, it really took alot of courage to type these all out. before typing these out, i didnt had the courage to say my dream was to be a musician! many would laugh and say "dream on". but now, im determined. 人因梦想而伟大!
even if i dont get to do what i want, i'll never regret.
because, i tried (:
AT LEAST I TRIED!
so ppl out there, if you have dreams, just dream!
dont be afraid of ppl laughing at you!
who knows if you really succeed in future, right?
prove ppl wrong! (:

saying about prove ppl wrong, i suddenly rmb th moment i showed victor tan my O level paper.
i got B4 for humans luh! rmb his shocked face. i used to hand in blank scripts, F9s, red marks.
but, i passed my O levels. and whats more, a B4 (:
proved him wrong, i aint stupid!


sing to express,
not to impress;